May 22nd, 2012

I just feel…


Have You ever felt you were living OUTSIDE of your life?

Yes this seems a weird terminology, but it’s the only way I can describe it. Sometimes it feels as though my life is moving faster than me. Imagine driving in one of those futuristic vehicles (like in the movie “i-Robot”)with the Auto Pilot Function enabled. You are moving in this vehicle which is driving itself. Ideally, this is probably a cool feature, but I would think it to be extremely awkward and probably quite odd the first few times you experienced it. After years of driving a vehicle yourself, with your hands on the steering wheel, foot on the gas or break, and hands used to control signaling, you are glancing in your rear view mirror and side mirrors while simultaneously watching the road and speedometer. Driving a vehicle is multitasking at its best and let’s face it…some people SUCK at it! (was that harsh…? oops!)

To change the way your brain understands something can create a very interesting feeling as you acclimate to the new. I imagine it is probably similar to being outside in the hot sun and walking in to an air conditioned room. It takes your body some time to completely cool down. Same as if it were reversed with Cold Weather and a nice Cozy Warm room. Your mind knows the Change has occurred, but the rest of you is still catching up. THAT is how I have been feeling lately. I am living in a state of constantly walking in and out of  “cold or hot” environments into the opposite environment (metaphorically speaking of course).

Does a life surrendered to God look like this?

My brain is darting around question after question. I feel unfocused yet I am somehow accomplishing many tasks. It is taking much effort on my part to complete the things in front of me. If only I had a visual of what my mind feels like. I can envision these mini airplanes zipping here and there. People talking loudly over each other as they walk around  collecting information from rows and rows of filing cabinets. As one cabinet opens, papers come flying out in the shapes of airplanes, its like the entire room is in utter chaos, yet somehow controlled. The people are moving and working as if everything was normal and they weren’t dodging flying papers. Everything seemed to move in sync. THEY seemed to all be in sync, but when I peek in at this scenario all I see is CHAOS. How this is possible, I do not even know.

Did that give you a visual at all? I tried!

There are so many things occurring in my life, some good and some not-so-pleasant. To some my life seems easy and simple. To some I have all the time in the world to nap or rest or hang out. To some my life seems perfect, happy, full of positives.

HA! That really is a laugh!

My life isn’t awful, by far. I mean, I am enduring a challenging journey, but it is not at all by my own strength that I am making it from day to day. YOU SEE a Smile on my face, while in reality I have my hands raised up in the air, fully surrendered to God, desperately crying out for Him to help me through this moment. YOU SEE time on my hands to do as I please, when in reality I am exhausting the energy in my brain to figure out how I can do all the things on my list, get in more time with God, work-work-work, and keep my sanity without imploding along the way. What YOU SEE and what I FEEL are two very different pictures. Again, my life is not at all awful.

I Love My Life!

I Cherish My Life!

I am so Thankful for Everything in My Life!

I am just a chaotic mess of emotions inside of organized structure

I am sitting in the Driver’s Seat with my hands on the wheel yet I am not the one controlling the Car

I am walking along this path with my hands up in the air…because I CAN’T, but HE CAN!

 H A H A . . . and then He starts speaking to me…

  • My Bible mysteriously turned to Proverbs 30 with the caption: “THE CAPABLE WIFE” (I thought at first, that my husband was trying to mess with me, but it wasn’t him!) I was reading in Ecclesiastes and got up for a minute. I left my heavy phone on the page I was reading and when I returned my phone was now on the new page…Hmmmm!


  • The ‘Verse of the Day’ on my iPad bible app read: “Favor is deceitful, beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.” Proverbs 31:30 – First my bible, now my iPad! Hmmmm…


  • Then, a reminder pops up on my phone reading:“Even 5 minutes with the bible can make a difference in your day.”(I did NOT create that reminder, my bible app randomly sent it out) All this happened within the same hour! Hmm, Hmmm…


Now don’t tell me God doesn’t speak! What is He saying THROUGH all of these things? What do I need to gain from what He shows me? How can I apply His messages to my life at this moment?

OK, OK! I get it…take some time to STOP what I am doing and READ MY WORD, Hear His Voice, Connect With Him. It’s not that I don’t read, but…(you are going to laugh)…I asked God recently during some prayer time to help remind me to read the bible More! I feel like I easily make choices to work or take time for me, but don’t take as much time as I’d like making time for Him. I can play worship music while I accomplish things, I can pray while I accomplish things and often I do, but making time for His word is just as important. It’s My FOOD and well, my body says it’s Time To Eat!!!

Yeah, He Definitely Answered! (are you laughing?)

Surprisingly my mind has calmed and I am feeling much less mentally and emotionally chaotic now. 

So….Until the next crazy mind moment…




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